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How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
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stugatz Offline
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How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
After a rough childhood, my twenties was a complete mess, especially where relationships were concerned. I did a LOT of dating, mostly because I wanted to get better with women before I got serious with someone.

Well, my twenties are now over, and I never really figured out what I was doing where women were concerned. Some like me, some don't, and I never became the sought-after Don Juan I wanted to be. (This was probably always an unrealistic thing to aspire to, as becoming a Don Juan type involves consistent work & practice, and I never wanted to do that when it came to dating. Dating is tedious, to be honest. I have things I'm far more passionate about.)

I, now mostly hanging around a traditionalist Catholic circle, see multiple friends and acquaintances of mine getting hitched...and I'm thinking to myself, I might want to get going on this before I get on the wrong side of my thirties. (I'm 32.)

I'm not dating right now due to financial problems I'm in the middle of cleaning up, so I have some time to think about this as I get my house in order. I'm not sure I can easily switch from one line of thinking to another, though, and need to pray about this.

If I've viewed women for my entire life as not much more than accessories to prove how liked I am...then how do I get out of this rut, and start thinking like a husband and father?
03-03-2020 08:38 PM
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PixelFree Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
You could start by checking out some studies on happiness, longevity and how they are positively influenced by marriage and kids.
03-03-2020 09:39 PM
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Magnus Stout Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
You seem ambivalent about marriage. I think of it more like a garden: fresh fruit & veggies are nice, but you got to learn to appreciate weeding & maintenance. Getting hitched is easy; keeping the marriage healthy is the hard part.

Most of society’s disfunction regarding sex comes from a broken telos (decoupling sex from reproduction). Do you want children? Large or small family?

You could volunteer at the children’s group for your church. You could be a “big brother” mentor. There are always needs for adults like you to help out. Those are good experiences for the feel of married life with children.

That said, marriage is not for everyone. Pray and ask God for help.
03-03-2020 11:13 PM
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stugatz Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
I want children, and honestly, a larger than average family...that's what my relatives did before me, even the boomer generation. I'm definitely ambivalent about marriage, though, because due to this sex-crazed culture we all live in, I still feel like I'm going to leave something unfinished if I hang it up now and marry someone before 36. I feel like I HAVE to become a sought-after Don Juan first, for some reason. Just bad cultural programming, maybe?

I look at my roommate though, who's a Chad Jr. who peaked in college. He works out constantly and, after work, has no real hobbies or interests outside of going to the gym constantly so he can photograph well & get regular Tinder/Bumble matches. That's six days a week of two-and-a-half hour gym sessions for women he usually doesn't date for long, and blows an awful lot of money on. That's a LOT of work for casual dating, and I would feel like I was wasting my time with it.

I'm not really passionate about women and dating. I definitely don't want to deal with dating an 8, that would take tons of work I don't really want to do. I want to channel that free time into stuff like hobbies and my current job. But it's like I can't let go of the way I thought for over a decade.
03-04-2020 12:45 AM
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kel Online
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
(03-04-2020 12:45 AM)stugatz Wrote:  I want children, and honestly, a larger than average family

That's how you become marriage-minded, then. Focus on the children and family aspect of it, and look for mates accordingly. You're not looking for Stacy or Becky, you're looking for an honorable woman who will be a dedicated, nurturing mother. The love the two of you have will manifest more in love for this project you are doing together than it will for kinky sex.
03-04-2020 01:15 AM
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MichaelWitcoff Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
Probably depends how deep into the “casual dating” scene you went. I was full-on polyamorous for years, and even though I’m now living in accordance with the Church’s sexual standards for the unmarried, I still haven’t been able to view relationships and marriage the way that the guys who marry do. Forgiveness of sins for eternity doesn’t necessarily mean freedom from the temporal consequences of your previous sinful lifestyle.

And if you look through the hagiography of the Church, it seems like most of the Saints who were once promiscuous ended up as monastics or hermits instead of spouses.

That’s not to say it isn’t possible, of course. Lots of promiscuous people change and marry. But in either case, the best answer is to genuinely repent and put your path in God’s hands, trusting that He will place you on the best path for your salvation - even if that path isn’t what you necessarily want or hoped for. And that’s true for everyone, in every circumstance.

Jewish convert to Orthodox Christianity and best-selling author of "On The Masons And Their Lies."
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2020 02:12 AM by MichaelWitcoff.)
03-04-2020 02:05 AM
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BlastbeatCasanova Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
I feel you...my brother is engaged and going through all the wedding planning stuff. I just went to a huge party for him and his fiancé, I cringed when I thought of being the center of attention like that. (At least at this moment in time) I just can’t picture myself in a tux up in front of an altar in front of everyone I know. Maybe I’ll change but I’ve always been hyper-individualistic, enjoying my freedom and solitude.

Also, any dumb shmuck can get married. Why not celebrate when the couple has made it to the three year mark at least?
03-04-2020 09:33 AM
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NoMoreTO Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
I would suggest focussing on purity first and foremost. Ensure you aren't masturbating, watching porn or committing grave offenses against God. I mention these because they have the most direct impact on your marriage mindedness. Once this is under control I agree with above comment that you can focus on learning more about Christianity, practicing it better. Maybe you will be a monastic, or just live a single life.

After this, find a woman you are interested in and start seeing her. You can see someone while your house is in order. It is ok to wait for a woman but I would also encourage you to take a good look at the women around yourself and consider which one would be best.

Recently, I decided to buy a property. First I looked hard at everything that was currently on the market and in view. Guess what, there was something there that fit the bill and I bought it. I think often we are looking for something or someone new, an amazing deal that will come and be a perfect fit, rather than a good deal that is right in front of us. It might be cliché but often someone is in front of us and we should be thinking about what a blessing that person would be , and overcome any hurdles that are there.

Take a good look at the girls in your Church and Catholic social circle and decide which one you would marry if you had to. Then give it some thought, and ask her out.

For professing themselves to be wise, they became fools. Rom 1:22
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2020 11:55 AM by NoMoreTO.)
03-04-2020 11:54 AM
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Augustus_Principe Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
(03-04-2020 01:15 AM)kel Wrote:  
(03-04-2020 12:45 AM)stugatz Wrote:  I want children, and honestly, a larger than average family

That's how you become marriage-minded, then. Focus on the children and family aspect of it, and look for mates accordingly. You're not looking for Stacy or Becky, you're looking for an honorable woman who will be a dedicated, nurturing mother. The love the two of you have will manifest more in love for this project you are doing together than it will for kinky sex.

+1

stugatz, your story has some similarities to mine, and im sure for many others who fell for the "Game/PUA" and "Red-pill" mindset that was popular in the early to mid 2000s. Unfortunately, this led to many Men becoming Black-pilled about women. Some went to the extreme and went MGTOW, other's just kept playing the field and "watch the world burn" while still making the best of it, fornicating with any woman they could. Obviously these experiences will make most men hesitate even thinking of marriage.

First, I would suggest you start thinking about the declining birth rates here in the U.S. By not getting married and subsequently having children, you are directly contributing to the downfall of the society here and The West. If you want to make it more personal, you are failing your ancestors in continuing your genetic lineage that they literally died for. Think you can have children outside the Sacrament Of marriage and continue your lineage? Well, technically you can, but then you will be contributing to the epidemic of single mothers and the weak boys that they raise. Without a father, these children are lost and will not have the best chance at contributing anything useful to society.

Just think, you are not thinking of being a married man or even having children because GloboHomo got to you. You let a psyop warfare get the upperhand on you. Are more women broken than ever before here in the U.S? yes... is it harder to find a young, fertile woman willing to get married and build a family? Yes...but so what? Why let past experiences while you were controlled by your Sexual Passions rule what you think now and in the future? Be grateful that you woke up from the darkness that clouded your intellect, and that you now know the path you must take. Your ancestors would laugh at you if you merely gave up on having a family simply because of psychological warfare, while having all the natural resources you want at your fingertips.

Fix your finances up. I am also in that same boat, so i can relate. Pay off your debts ASAP and start saving/investing once you do. Continue on building your virtue so that you may find a good woman in the future.
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2020 12:55 PM by Augustus_Principe.)
03-04-2020 12:52 PM
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Mike_Key Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
Nice post OP, sincere and genuine.

Smart individuals, my wife and people like CS Lewis don't put much value on/in feelings. If you feel something - big deal, if you don't - big deal. If you have ideals and principles then act, do.

Action is better than feelings.

"No one can always have devout feelings, and even if we could, feelings are not what God principally cares about. Christian Love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will."
CS Lewis

So I say do, if you don't risk and love then you harden your heart (Mgtow) and maybe then you can't even love God.

I'm about to write this on another thread, but if you trust in a wife and she fails, big deal, you'll always have God, and maybe sons or daughters that will love you.
03-05-2020 01:43 AM
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BlastbeatCasanova Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
^ “but if you trust in a wife and she fails, big deal, you'll always have God, and maybe sons or daughters that will love you”

So this is what the forum has come down to...this is such a bad take. Men’s personal and financial lives have been ruined by marrying the wrong woman. “Big deal” though. Tell that to Thomas Ball. The new religious slant of the forum is great but we can’t forget the real world knowledge and the risks and implications of chaining yourself to a potentially problematic woman.
03-05-2020 09:59 AM
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PixelFree Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
I'd also like to add some wise advice that helped me:

"Women wait for the right guy, Men wait for the right time"

For me, it was simply a matter of time. I hit a certain age (recently) and now I want to settle down and have kids. It's like a switch flicked in my head. Probably also coupled with dating fatigue, seeing the various anti-family agendas out there and the novelty of new casual relationships wearing off.

Also, I believe that a stable, normal, relationship (marriage) is a requirement for healthy children, and I want to do what is best for them.

So for you, maybe it's just a matter of a few more years...
(This post was last modified: 03-05-2020 07:33 PM by PixelFree.)
03-05-2020 07:33 PM
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Mike_Key Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
(03-05-2020 09:59 AM)BlastbeatCasanova Wrote:  ^ “but if you trust in a wife and she fails, big deal, you'll always have God, and maybe sons or daughters that will love you”

So this is what the forum has come down to...this is such a bad take. Men’s personal and financial lives have been ruined by marrying the wrong woman. “Big deal” though. Tell that to Thomas Ball. The new religious slant of the forum is great but we can’t forget the real world knowledge and the risks and implications of chaining yourself to a potentially problematic woman.

Blast beat casanova,

I have drafted a reply to another thread where I'm attempting to sprinkle in some hatred.

Is that what you are seeking?

We all have it (hatred) and it's easy to have hatred for women when we are Red Pilled. I was red-pilled at age 1.5, age 3, age 7, 8th grade, and onward ...

I know how gross and nasty women, all women, can be ...

But taken as a whole, I think the ideas that I share are ones that hold water for all time. Sure you can be MGTOW and get a craft and stay alone. You can self-masturbate on Forums about your hatred of the woman that "stole" half of your financial fortune of a 401k worth $120,000. Although, I don't think that's the best approach ... spending Friday and Saturday nights alone, drinking beer, practicing your hobby, loading shotgun shells, threading bike wheel spokes or wrenching on car motors -- isn't the best use of your time.

My father was Mgtow.
Absent father
He died in 2011.
I don't think about him for one (1) minute.
Sad, I know ...

When I die, I want my kids to think about me.

I hear you and I will try to sprinkle in some Red Pill ideas; but I also want to respect the rules of the new forum. If I share some Red Pill, I risk disparaging women and going in that direction of discussing casual sex, etc.

For years before Roosh re-dedicated his life to Christ, God --- I was trying to resolve the vast expanse between PUA, Mgtow, Red Pill and on the far side --- Classic Christianity. I have to say that CS Lewis provides some, not all, solid arguments to settle a man's soul when it comes to that problem.

There's the problem of evil ...

Then there's the problem of whore ...

lol

But men can be whores too ...

Take care of yourself.

Respectfully

John 3:16
03-05-2020 08:54 PM
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BlastbeatCasanova Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
(03-05-2020 08:54 PM)Mike_Key Wrote:  
(03-05-2020 09:59 AM)BlastbeatCasanova Wrote:  ^ “but if you trust in a wife and she fails, big deal, you'll always have God, and maybe sons or daughters that will love you”

So this is what the forum has come down to...this is such a bad take. Men’s personal and financial lives have been ruined by marrying the wrong woman. “Big deal” though. Tell that to Thomas Ball. The new religious slant of the forum is great but we can’t forget the real world knowledge and the risks and implications of chaining yourself to a potentially problematic woman.

Blast beat casanova,

I have drafted a reply to another thread where I'm attempting to sprinkle in some hatred.

Is that what you are seeking?

We all have it (hatred) and it's easy to have hatred for women when we are Red Pilled. I was red-pilled at age 1.5, age 3, age 7, 8th grade, and onward ...

I know how gross and nasty women, all women, can be ...

But taken as a whole, I think the ideas that I share are ones that hold water for all time. Sure you can be MGTOW and get a craft and stay alone. You can self-masturbate on Forums about your hatred of the woman that "stole" half of your financial fortune of a 401k worth $120,000. Although, I don't think that's the best approach ... spending Friday and Saturday nights alone, drinking beer, practicing your hobby, loading shotgun shells, threading bike wheel spokes or wrenching on car motors -- isn't the best use of your time.

My father was Mgtow.
Absent father
He died in 2011.
I don't think about him for one (1) minute.
Sad, I know ...

When I die, I want my kids to think about me.

I hear you and I will try to sprinkle in some Red Pill ideas; but I also want to respect the rules of the new forum. If I share some Red Pill, I risk disparaging women and going in that direction of discussing casual sex, etc.

For years before Roosh re-dedicated his life to Christ, God --- I was trying to resolve the vast expanse between PUA, Mgtow, Red Pill and on the far side --- Classic Christianity. I have to say that CS Lewis provides some, not all, solid arguments to settle a man's soul when it comes to that problem.

There's the problem of evil ...

Then there's the problem of whore ...

lol

But men can be whores too ...

Take care of yourself.

Respectfully

John 3:16

I feel you, and I didn't mean to come across so harshly. Hope you're doing well out there in the world
03-06-2020 11:37 AM
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stugatz Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
One final thing to say - thanks for your thoughts everyone.

Despite the fact multiple friends of mine never did, despite the fact my father certainly never did, and despite the fact that most of my ancestors DEFINITELY never did - I still feel like, for some reason, I need to become a sought-after Don Juan type who has his pick of the women before deciding to get hitched. Almost as if I don't do it and just get married without mastering this skill, I'll be a failure as a man.

I don't know how to stop feeling this. Why do I feel like being good with the ladies is the be-all end-all of being a man? I definitely thought so much of it, it was almost the only thing I cared about in my twenties.

The sexual revolution really did a number on all of us...
03-08-2020 12:14 AM
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kel Online
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
(03-08-2020 12:14 AM)stugatz Wrote:  I don't know how to stop feeling this. Why do I feel like being good with the ladies is the be-all end-all of being a man?

Because despite everything, women still respond most to things that are the core of manhood - leadership, skill, intelligence, strength, confidence, achievement, calmness and surety in the midst of chaos. They respond to that and fuck those of us who have that (and, yes, are at least reasonably attractive). They're looking for validation, they're doing vulgar status seeking, they've woven some bullshit narrative about empowerment and "finding themselves" around it, but in the end what "works" on women is the same things as always, it's just that now it "works" at meaningless sex moreso than wifing up a woman who'll be a nurturing mother and hub of her community because the modern woman is the vacuous, self-involved bobblehead that society cultivates and praises.

So, you view being good with the ladies as the core of manhood because they're responding, despite all their protestations to the contrary and despite society's condemnation of it, to masculinity. They want access to that masculinity and they achieve that by flirting with you and then fucking you filthier than the competition.

The wife-and-mother type will respond to that masculinity, too. And you will execute upon that by honoring her, protecting and providing for her and your children and the community you build around you. The hard part is finding women worthy of that, rather than cheap lays most of whom aren't even worthy of fulfilling that primal urge.

Good luck to you, good luck to all of us.
03-08-2020 12:48 AM
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BlastbeatCasanova Offline
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
(03-08-2020 12:14 AM)stugatz Wrote:  One final thing to say - thanks for your thoughts everyone.

Despite the fact multiple friends of mine never did, despite the fact my father certainly never did, and despite the fact that most of my ancestors DEFINITELY never did - I still feel like, for some reason, I need to become a sought-after Don Juan type who has his pick of the women before deciding to get hitched. Almost as if I don't do it and just get married without mastering this skill, I'll be a failure as a man.

I don't know how to stop feeling this. Why do I feel like being good with the ladies is the be-all end-all of being a man? I definitely thought so much of it, it was almost the only thing I cared about in my twenties.

The sexual revolution really did a number on all of us...

I feel you, this is also something that is embedded deep in my psyche that I have been dealing with. I think it comes from me being an unathletic late bloomer my whole life up until the middle of college; I didn't kiss a girl until 10th grade, and I was never good/never cared about sports. Getting good with women became my way of feeling like a man (for better or worse) and also became a way to compete and relate to other men.

Case in point, I hung out with with my buddy and a group of his male friends last night. His friends were all normie-ass dudes, nice guys but "basic" as hell. They were gushing over the fights and the sports high-lights, then started talking about top 40 popular music. We didn't really have any ground to rapport on until the conversation shifted to women.
(This post was last modified: 03-08-2020 11:22 AM by BlastbeatCasanova.)
03-08-2020 11:14 AM
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RE: How can I become marriage-minded when I NEVER have been?
This is a good thread for me to be in. I'm 25, Catholic. I'm frustrated that in order for a confession to be valid, you need to be truly sorry for your sins (lets say pre-martial sex for example) Where the HECK am I going to meet an attractive woman, who wants to be a mother, that will totally be down for the church's sexual teachings? Yes, they're out there no doubt. Just seems like a losing battle, as I've gone down the manosphere/redpill/PUA information path, what women respond to etc. It seems like woman wouldn't take sexual mortal sin seriously, it's just a thing "they know they shouldn't do." I feel angry and frustrated at this burden. I will turn to prayer, as a sign told me to "pray 1st" today as I have been thinking about this.

(03-04-2020 11:54 AM)NoMoreTO Wrote:  The wife-and-mother type will respond to that masculinity, too. And you will execute upon that by honoring her, protecting and providing for her and your children and the community you build around you. The hard part is finding women worthy of that, rather than cheap lays most of whom aren't even worthy of fulfilling that primal urge.

Good luck to you, good luck to all of us.

Yea, the best bet is to work on yourself, and hope you find a woman who is alignment with the churches teachings. They're out there - just gotta find em. Best of luck I guess.
03-09-2020 12:35 PM
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