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My wife left me and it's my fault
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #151
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Quote:if she cared about you....if you were in any way important to her.....she'd be with you.

Uh, this isn't exactly true. There's plenty of reasons why someone would care about someone else but still choose to distance themselves.

She herself has done so many times in the past.

It is possible to hate someone and love them at the same time.
(This post was last modified: 03-21-2020 03:34 AM by Rob Banks.)
03-21-2020 03:22 AM
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etwsake Offline
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Post: #152
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
You're clearly not ready to accept reality.

I think it's gonna be a long time for you. Years.

When the realization sinks in that she's with someone else and has moved on finally sinks in, are you gonna turn back to drugs? It'll probably kill you this time.
03-21-2020 03:33 AM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #153
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Quote:Is this your first real break up? I can understand what you're going through if it is.

You say this as if divorce is normal and to be expected. Modernism at its finest.

She is not indifferent towards me. In fact, she feels VERY strong emotions towards me (mainly negative, but positive as well). Also, she is not with anyone else at this point. She might be someday, but it would take her a long time (possibly years).

It is very likely that she is not coming back, but it would not be due to indifference towards me and a desire to be with other men. It would be due to intense hatred and resentment towards me and a desire to honor her family's wishes.

In any case, I bumped this thread to give an update and see what people thought of the idea to speak with her family at some point (last post on the previous page).
(This post was last modified: 03-21-2020 03:56 AM by Rob Banks.)
03-21-2020 03:44 AM
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etwsake Offline
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Post: #154
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
What difference does it make whether it's indifference or hatred?

Only one things matters: she left you a year ago. And you told us the only reason you've even seen her in the flesh in that year is because you literally "stalked" her. Your words, not mine.

She left you and made no attempt to see you or be with you for a year. But you think she's sitting there in South America, just patiently waiting for you to clean up your act so she can come back to you?

Maybe you need to start thinking about her as if she had died. Because the woman you're idolizing and worshiping and dreaming of coming back? That girl IS dead. She's gone. Your ex-wife has had a life away from you for an entire year now. She's a stranger to you. She's not coming back.
03-21-2020 03:57 AM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #155
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Quote:the only reason you've even seen her in the flesh in that year is because you literally "stalked" her.

This is not true. We saw each other more than once and it was because she wanted to.

In any case, thank you for reading the entire thread and offering your opinion. I appreciate it.
(This post was last modified: 03-21-2020 05:25 AM by Rob Banks.)
03-21-2020 05:20 AM
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etwsake Offline
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Post: #156
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
You're welcome.

I only chimed in because I've been where you are, I've done what you're doing, I thought the way you're thinking, and I know how it's all going to end up.

But nobody could tell me either. I had to find out on my own. Just like you will.

I honestly suspect it's going to take a few years in your case, and I'm not saying that just to be a dick, it's just evident in what you've written over these months how far gone you are and how long it's going to take you to claw your way back to reality.

Plenty of others have said this and you've ignored them, and chosen only to focus on the few posts that vaguely offer you reinforcement in what you want to hear. You have people in your real life that know you that are trying to talk some sense into you and you ignore them too, cause you simply aren't ready to entertain the idea that what they're saying is true.

I feel bad for you, cause it's only gonna get worse from here. It's gonna be a long road of suffering the longer you prolong it with denial.

I hope you're a stronger man than I was and don't lose years of your life chasing ghosts like I did. I really hope you don't turn to drugs to ease the pain either, cause that will only kill you, nothing more. Good luck.
03-21-2020 05:40 AM
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Post: #157
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(03-21-2020 05:40 AM)etwsake Wrote:  You're welcome.

I only chimed in because I've been where you are, I've done what you're doing, I thought the way you're thinking, and I know how it's all going to end up.

But nobody could tell me either. I had to find out on my own. Just like you will.

I honestly suspect it's going to take a few years in your case, and I'm not saying that just to be a dick, it's just evident in what you've written over these months how far gone you are and how long it's going to take you to claw your way back to reality.

Plenty of others have said this and you've ignored them, and chosen only to focus on the few posts that vaguely offer you reinforcement in what you want to hear. You have people in your real life that know you that are trying to talk some sense into you and you ignore them too, cause you simply aren't ready to entertain the idea that what they're saying is true.

I feel bad for you, cause it's only gonna get worse from here. It's gonna be a long road of suffering the longer you prolong it with denial.

I hope you're a stronger man than I was and don't lose years of your life chasing ghosts like I did. I really hope you don't turn to drugs to ease the pain either, cause that will only kill you, nothing more. Good luck.

Heed this mang's advice. You really need to accept the reality of your situation. Move on dude. Just move on. Focus on bettering your life and rebuild yourself.
03-21-2020 11:54 AM
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bucky Offline
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Post: #158
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(03-21-2020 05:40 AM)etwsake Wrote:  You're welcome.

I only chimed in because I've been where you are, I've done what you're doing, I thought the way you're thinking, and I know how it's all going to end up.

But nobody could tell me either. I had to find out on my own. Just like you will.

I honestly suspect it's going to take a few years in your case, and I'm not saying that just to be a dick, it's just evident in what you've written over these months how far gone you are and how long it's going to take you to claw your way back to reality.

Plenty of others have said this and you've ignored them, and chosen only to focus on the few posts that vaguely offer you reinforcement in what you want to hear. You have people in your real life that know you that are trying to talk some sense into you and you ignore them too, cause you simply aren't ready to entertain the idea that what they're saying is true.

I feel bad for you, cause it's only gonna get worse from here. It's gonna be a long road of suffering the longer you prolong it with denial.

I hope you're a stronger man than I was and don't lose years of your life chasing ghosts like I did. I really hope you don't turn to drugs to ease the pain either, cause that will only kill you, nothing more. Good luck.

I was one of those who gave him a glimmer of hope, mainly because I recently saw a divorced couple I know get back together. Still, that's very rare and I agree with you, Rob needs to accept that it's unlikely that he'll get back together with his wife and stop hoping and move on.

My more general advice to all men is to accept that all women are replaceable. All of them. God is not replaceable and your children, if you have them, are not replaceable, but all women are. It's a little different if the woman you love is also the mother of your children and in that case some more effort and prayer in an attempt to get back together with her might be warranted, but if she's not the mother of your children, she's entirely replaceable. There's nothing special about her that you can't find in millions of other women out there in the world. You have no "soul mate," so don't waste your life on that one particular "special" girl. Time is too precious and life is too short.

Oneitis is poison, one of the worst traps a man can fall into. I'll do everything I can to hammer this into my sons when they're older. I wish someone had done it with me when I was young. It would have saved me so much pain and suffering.

Feminism in ten words: "Stop objectifying women! Can't you see I've hit the wall?" -Leonard D Neubache
(This post was last modified: 03-22-2020 07:43 AM by bucky.)
03-22-2020 07:42 AM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #159
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(03-22-2020 07:42 AM)bucky Wrote:  My more general advice to all men is to accept that all women are replaceable. All of them. God is not replaceable and your children, if you have them, are not replaceable, but all women are.
...
You have no "soul mate," so don't waste your life on that one particular "special" girl.

I strongly disagree.

The idea behind marriage is that you unite and become one with the woman. She becomes a part of you.

It's got nothing to do with "true love" or "finding your soul mate" or any corny modern idea like that.

I really hate how Hollywood and modern culture has made the idea of "true love" (I hate that term so much) seem so corny and stupid that any sort of deep emotional connection between a man and woman seems kind of ridiculous and makes the man look weak.

(03-22-2020 07:42 AM)bucky Wrote:  It's a little different if the woman you love is also the mother of your children...

If this were the case (all women are replaceable up until you have a child together), then it would be the historical norm for men and women to "date" and sleep around until the woman became pregnant, and only get married and commit to each other after she is pregnant.

If the woman had a miscarriage, or you had a child together but the child didn't survive, the man would then have the right to ditch the woman and replace her with a younger model (all women are replaceable as long as you don't have children together, right?).

There is a reason why marriage vows are made before the woman becomes pregnant.

I find the notion that "all women are replaceable" to be extremely cynical and reminiscent of the player-friendly anti-marriage "AWALT" views that were so common on the old version of this forum.

(01-12-2020 10:59 PM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  Marriage is not a matter of convenience where you get to wreck a life and then simply walk away for your next do-over.

This.
(This post was last modified: 03-22-2020 12:31 PM by Rob Banks.)
03-22-2020 12:14 PM
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Sankt Michael Offline
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Post: #160
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Hey Rob,

I read the whole thread and most of your other posts regarding your situation. It sounds like literal hell and I feel for you. First of all I think you have to change something soon, or it will kill you, like other posters said.

I suspect that you obsess and think of her constantly, so you should try to get her off your mind first.

How to do it I am not really sure and it will be very hard. I know that you heard it a 100 times already, but you need to work on you first. You need things in your live that give you confidence and moments of success. Learn to code, for example. It may seem intimidating at first, but after your first own project you should get the hang of it and becomes really fun. (At least for me)...

You could complete a web development tutorial and then make a website about something you are interested in. For instance, make a cool website for your new church. I guess they don`t have a website or it is shit. First you search for a good CSS framework (bootstrap or foundation or something) and then make the HTML and CSS for the website. After that you can add a Content Management System, a database and so on.

When you achieve something presentable, show it to your priest and ask him for input and requirements. This could also be a good strategy to get access to your priest and the church community. Volunteer to manage the church's web presence. Which could also pave the way to a good career, that can sustain a family in the future.

Speaking of your church. It is great, that you are getting back to God. Still, it feels like your conversion is centered around your marriage and wife and I feel that will not work, like other posters said in other threads. Which is why I suggest you wrap your head around other things. I am not sure what the Catholic Catechism says, but does it even count if the marriage was not done by a priest? You can be Trad all you want, but your wife dose not seem to care about it.

The forum may have changed, but it dose not mean that you should discard all the Red Pill knowledge, which is exactly for cases like yours. It of course dose not mean you should sleep around or participate in other bad behavior. But you could be fighting a lost cause and if you want to die on this hill, you will suffer bad.

My suggestion is, that you have no contact for a year and change your mindset drastically. Live your life like you are not married to her and if God brings her back to you, it is great, if not you will get over it. Do not stalk her on social media and do not ask acquaintances about her.

Also you should accept the possibility that your wife is meeting other men. Imagine you get back together and she tells you about it. Will you explode again, or can you handle the truth?

I hope you can conquer this situation and become a better and stronger man in communion with God! Good luck!
03-23-2020 03:36 AM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #161
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  Learn to code, for example...

I am actually going to school for computer science. It is very interesting and I like it, but it is hard to stay motivated.

If I already lost the most important thing (my wife and the ability to have a family), then what's the point of pursuing a career?

I know this is the wrong way of thinking. I should be pursuing a career anyway. That way if my wife does come back I will have a way to provide for her.

"But Rob, you should also be pursuing a career so that, if your wife doesn't come back, you can marry another woman and start a family."

Yeah, except that the thought of starting a family with a different woman (a "plan B" woman) is so sad and feels so wrong that I would rather put a gun in my mouth. And if that's how I feel about it, then I don't think it would be fair to that woman or to my future kids.

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  ...For instance, make a cool website for your new church...

That's a good idea, actually.

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  Speaking of your church. It is great, that you are getting back to God. Still, it feels like your conversion is centered around your marriage and wife and I feel that will not work, like other posters said in other threads. Which is why I suggest you wrap your head around other things. I am not sure what the Catholic Catechism says, but does it even count if the marriage was not done by a priest? You can be Trad all you want, but your wife dose not seem to care about it.

What other people said (and I agree with) is that it won't work if I am worshipping God hoping for something in exchange (as if it were a transaction) rather than submitting myself to His will.

I can't, however, get to the point where I don't care about my wife and I would be fine with meeting another woman instead.

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  The forum may have changed, but it dose not mean that you should discard all the Red Pill knowledge...

Red pill knowledge, yes. An attitude of "all women are replaceable," no.

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  My suggestion is, that you have no contact for a year and change your mindset drastically. Live your life like you are not married to her and if God brings her back to you, it is great, if not you will get over it...

A year seems a bit long, no?

Also, living my life as if I am not married to her would mean trying to meet other women for the purpose of marriage. How could I do this and still hope to get my wife back after a year?

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  Also you should accept the possibility that your wife is meeting other men.

I am very thankful to say that I don't believe this is the case.

Of course this could change in the future, but probably not anytime soon.

I am very confident in my opinion regarding this.

If she was meeting other men, I would be extremely sad and devastated, but I would also be disgusted with her and she would be a lot easier to forget.

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  Imagine you get back together and she tells you about it. Will you explode again, or can you handle the truth?

This would never happen in a million years. She would only get with another man if she was serious about him and 100% over me and done with me.

She is not going to be hooking up with random men and then coming back to me afterwards.

(03-23-2020 03:36 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  I hope you can conquer this situation and become a better and stronger man in communion with God! Good luck!

Thank you. And thank you for reading the whole thread and giving your opinion. I really appreciate it.
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2020 05:13 AM by Rob Banks.)
03-23-2020 04:22 AM
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Sankt Michael Offline
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Post: #162
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I just read the new info since Friday in the God Pill Thread. I am sorry to hear that you were kicked out of school. I forgot that you were already learning computer science, sorry. At least that means you most likely already have the fundamentals and can start being self taught.

Concerning God you better follow the advice from AB, not me.

My advice concerning your wife and marriage boils down to: "What will you do if it dose not work out?" I think you need a plan for that. You can not stagnate. Improve your life without any woman in mind, not even your wife. This is what I meant.

I hope you can get back on track soon.
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2020 05:42 AM by Sankt Michael.)
03-23-2020 05:39 AM
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Post: #163
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Something doesn't quite add up to me. You had a happy marriage with a lovely girl you had a deep connecion with. How did you become a violent addict? Were you an addict before? I'm glad to see you are no longer an addict, but you may want to work on the issues that made you one in the first place.
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2020 06:16 AM by The Stronger Sex.)
03-23-2020 06:16 AM
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Post: #164
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I've found that home improvement/repair projects are really effective at giving you a feeling of accomplishment and confidence. If you rent, make sure you ask your landlord's permission first. If there are any nagging problems with your house or apartment, watch some YouTube videos on how to fix them, go to the home supply store and get the necessary equipment and materials, and then jump in and fix them. Whether it be loose stairs, a hole in the wall/ceiling, cranky toilet, slow drain, loose toilet paper/towel rack, leaky door frame, gouged hardwood floor, whatever, those are all things you can fix yourself instead of calling a repairman. Successfully repairing something you've never attempted before will give you immense pride in yourself.
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2020 08:28 AM by C-Note.)
03-23-2020 08:27 AM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #165
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(03-23-2020 06:16 AM)The Stronger Sex Wrote:  Something doesn't quite add up to me. You had a happy marriage with a lovely girl you had a deep connecion with. How did you become a violent addict? Were you an addict before? I'm glad to see you are no longer an addict, but you may want to work on the issues that made you one in the first place.

I met her at 16, but we were not living together. We were not even living in the same country.

I was living in New York City (I mention this because there's a ton of drugs and bad influences there. It's a terrible place).

I started smoking weed at 16 and doing hard drugs at 18 (all while living apart from her).

I also had crazy ideas about sex and relationships. I insisted that she let me bang other girls when we were living apart.

In 2016, I hooked up with another girl and caught feelings for her, and I was a total asshole to my wife about it. This led to her developing a deep resentment towards me, and in early 2017, there was a violent incident. She got scared and told her family what happened, and from that point on, her family never spoke to me again and my relationship with my wife was never the same.

We had plans to have her move to the US as early as 2011 (when I was 19), but she didn't feel comfortable moving in with a drug addict, so that ended up getting delayed until late 2018. In the meantime, I would travel to her country 2 or 3 times a year to spend time with her, and we would speak on the phone every day.

However, I continued to use drugs, and when she finally moved in with me in 2018, I was too far gone.

We had been split up for most of 2018, and when she finally got back together with me in November of that year, she refused to have sex with me right away. Instead of being a gentleman and being understanding, I got violent and turned to drugs to deal with the frustration. Eventually, she had enough and she left.

P.S. When I talk about violence, I mean that I have held thrown her down on the bed (never the floor), held her down, broken down doors, and committed acts of violence against myself in front of her.

There was never any hitting or anything else that could cause serious injury to her.

In fact, one time I was holding a large kitchen knife. She was trying to calm me down and said to me "drop the knife and give me a hug." I refused, so she said "OK, don't drop the knife and give me a hug anyway. I know you're not going to hurt me."

She knew I would never do anything to injure her, but my behavior scared her anyway (and with good reason).
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2020 04:03 PM by Rob Banks.)
03-23-2020 03:24 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #166
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(03-23-2020 05:39 AM)Sankt Michael Wrote:  I just read the new info since Friday in the God Pill Thread. I am sorry to hear that you were kicked out of school...

It turns out I didn't flunk out of school. My teacher gave me an extension to finish the project. I have to finish by tonight at 11 PM or else I fail, so I better get to work.
03-23-2020 04:08 PM
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