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My wife left me and it's my fault
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #101
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Not worried about "baby damage." If I can have a family with her, that will be a blessing regardless of how it affects her body.

When I mentioned that she can't have kids past a certain age, I meant that she has an actual serious medical condition (she had a kidney transplant as a teenager) and her doctors have told her that ANY pregnancy (even while young) is going to be risky, but after a certain age it becomes A LOT riskier.

As for everything you said about focusing on myself, I totally agree. I will not be able to completely fix myself in a week or a month. All I can do is be patient and accept that I will never get back the time I lost. My wife will also never get back the time of hers that I wasted.

In one of the Fr. Ripperger videos that Augustus posted, he talks about how God can withdraw divine grace from someone if they sin too much. From what I understood (someone please correct me if I'm wrong), this means that if you sin too much for too long, there comes a point where God will no longer forgive you and you are condemned to hell even if you repent and reform yourself.

If God decided that I have reached this point, then all I can do is accept it knowing that I brought it on myself and I deserve it.

My wife still communicates with me (albeit occasionally and briefly) and as far as I know she hasn't dated anyone. Maybe that means God is having mercy on me. Only time will tell.
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2020 04:59 AM by Rob Banks.)
01-27-2020 04:33 AM
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Post: #102
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(01-27-2020 04:33 AM)Rob Banks Wrote:  In one of the Fr. Ripperger videos that Augustus posted, he talks about how God can withdraw divine grace from someone if they sin too much. From what I understood (someone please correct me if I'm wrong), this means that if you sin too much for too long, there comes a point where God will no longer forgive you and you are condemned to hell even if you repent and reform yourself.

If God decided that I have reached this point, then all I can do is accept it knowing that I brought it on myself and I deserve it.

I need to try and state this without coming across as bashing any particular religion. My intention is speak my truth.

With that said, the problem I have with religion is exactly what you wrote. It is based in fear. If you don't do this you will go to hell. Forever. That never sounded like what an all loving God would do. Which is why I left the Catholic church a long time ago.

Some people may say yes to your question. Others will say no, if you renounce your sins you will be saved even if that happens during your last breath of of life.

Me, I don't think there is a hell. Well, there is a hell that we make ourselves. That has nothing to do with God's will. I don't believe God judges us. I believe we judge ourselves. I believe we all go to heaven. That deep down we are all loving souls.

We were given the gift of free will. Why did God give us this gift if he was going to hold it against us with eternal damnation? That never made sense to me. What made sense was God giving this gift so we could learn to love better. To overcome our human condition with all of it's imperfections and put aside the hate, the regret, the fear and to focus on love. That is why we are here.

You don't need to believe what I believe. I would strongly suggest following the teachings (Gospels) of Jesus. I've been working on making his teachings a way of life and it has had the biggest impact that I could have imagined. My fear and hate have been reduced significantly. I am not sure if you can totally remove them, but you can see them for what it is and decide to not give it the energy or attention it needs to grow.

It takes a long time to internalize a lot of this stuff. I don't expect it stops within our lifetime. I do think that subtle changes will start happening and then you realize you're happier and a lot of things that used to bother you seem so trivial.

Believing in God and spending eternity in heaven makes most of our problems pretty small. They are more of a nuisance in the grand scheme of things. I found these beliefs to be the best gift I have ever received.

Many times when bad things happen to us it is because we are failing in our ultimate goal. It isn't to punish us but to help get us back on track. It definitely feels like punishment when it is happening. You then realize a valuable lesson when you start correcting your path. Sometimes pain is the best teacher. I know many painful experiences have been a blessing in disguise. I don't think I would be on the correct path if it wasn't for those experiences.
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2020 01:08 PM by worldwidetraveler.)
01-27-2020 12:59 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #103
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I tend not to see heaven and hell as literal places that you go after you die. It's hard for me to believe that we remain conscious after death (given that our brains stop working).

I see the concept of heaven and hell as metaphorical (for lack of a better term). If you live according to God's will, you are more likely to be blessed with happiness, a loving family, and many descendants. You could say that this is kind of like being "in heaven." On the other hand, if you sin your whole life, you are more likely to be unhappy and unfulfilled, and to be alone or in and out of toxic relationships. You are more likely to end up childless (i.e. not fulfill your biological purpose), or if you have children they are more likely to live unhealthy lives. In general, you are more likely to be miserable and to make those around you miserable. This is kind of like being "in hell."

However, what Fr. Ripperger said in the video still makes sense. If I live a life of sin and vice and then at some point I decide to reform myself, it could very well be too late. If I were a drunk and a drug addict my whole life and at 80 years old I decided to reform myself, that would obviously be too late. The fact that I reformed myself at 80 would do absolutely nothing to get me out of the hell I was living in. So that begs the question, how late is too late? It's probably different for different people depending on circumstances. In other words, it's too late if and when God decides it's too late.
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2020 02:44 PM by Rob Banks.)
01-27-2020 02:40 PM
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Post: #104
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I understand most of us are all new when it comes to religion and Theology. In terms of Theology, do not listen to anyone who states that the teaching of the Catholic Church and wisdom of Theologians, numbering over 2,000 years old and counting, is wrong because of "feels" and their Micky mouse interpretation of the bible (which they probably have not read in full themselves anyway). The "all loving God" point, as well as other things we hear in the mainstream and from your average joe, comes from a Protestant view.

Educate yourself in the complete teaching of the church while ignoring those who think they somehow have better insight into God (and insinuating that the RC church doesn't follow Jesus' teachings) and not even give you their own religious identity. Rob Banks, you're still new to all of this. Absorb as much info as you can from the church, priest, books, lectures etc and with time, you will have a clearer understanding of it all. God Bless.
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2020 03:25 PM by Augustus_Principe.)
01-27-2020 03:16 PM
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Post: #105
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Notice how I didn't put anyone down for their beliefs so why would a person who claims they are religious decide to make fun of my beliefs? Seems strange to me that someone who follows the teaching of Jesus would try and put another down simply because they don't believe the same thing.

Deciding if one is to follow the Catholic or different renditions of Orthodoxy is hardly a intellectual endeavor. It typically boils down to what feels right for the individual.

Anyway, Rob if our consciousness didn't exist after death then I wouldn't have had the experience I posted about here.

https://www.rooshvforum.com/thread-72750...pid1973366
(This post was last modified: 01-27-2020 04:11 PM by worldwidetraveler.)
01-27-2020 03:43 PM
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Post: #106
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(01-27-2020 02:40 PM)Rob Banks Wrote:  You are more likely to end up childless (i.e. not fulfill your biological purpose), or if you have children they are more likely to live unhealthy lives. In general, you are more likely to be miserable and to make those around you miserable. This is kind of like being "in hell."

I dont think it is the 'biological purpose' of broken men to produce children. Only healthy, spiritual men with positive energy should be reproducing in my opinion. I think we need to do away with the idea that every man deserves a wife and child based on his work or his religion.

Your life is a bit of a mess. How would you argue to a group that you deserve a woman and children given how your life has gone so far? Why would a community that your part of want you to produce more children in that community, when they are likely to be as broken as you are now? Serious question, I'm not deliberately trying to attack you but I am questioning the patriarchal notion that every man deserves a wife and kid no matter their physical or psychological condition.
01-28-2020 10:44 AM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #107
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Re-read what I posted. I never said I deserve anything.

It is every man's biological purpose to reproduce. Some men (especially broken men) will fail to achieve this biological purpose.

Are you suggesting that, because of my past mistakes, I should forget about ever having kids because it would somehow be "bad for the community" if I were to reproduce?

By that logic, I should kill myself because it is "bad for the community" to have broken men like me around.
01-28-2020 01:11 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #108
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
Damn, so my wife just emailed me today and sent me a screenshot of her phone, and in her photos I noticed a picture of a young man I didn't recognize. He was sitting on a tropical beach smoking a cigar. He looked extremely fruity (fedora, thick-rimmed glasses, button-down shirt) and didn't seem like her type at all, but there was no way to be sure.

After agonizing about it for an hour, I decided to ask her about it. I said something to the effect of "I respect your right to live your life but I couldn't help but notice a picture of this strange man in the screenshot you sent me. If there is anything going on, please let me know so that we can get a divorce."

Her response was something to the effect of "That man is a family member of mine. My grandpa just died. Go to hell! My conscience is clear. I don't have to sit here and deal with your sick jealousy. After all, YOU are the one who used to do drugs and sleep with dirty hookers, not me."

So now at least I know she's not interested in dating other men (at least for now). Her "conscience is clear" because she's not dating anyone. That implies that her conscience would not be clear (i.e. it would be wrong) if she was dating someone.

But in order to find that out I had to piss her off and drive her further away from me. I suppose this is what people meant when they said that I can't worry about her cheating on me and I have to trust God to keep her faithful.

Was it totally stupid for me to ask her this? I feel like it was definitely stupid and I should have trusted her more. But at the same time, if I didn't ask, I would have been constantly agonizing about whether or not the man in the picture was her boyfriend.
(This post was last modified: 01-28-2020 10:03 PM by Rob Banks.)
01-28-2020 09:57 PM
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Paracelsus Offline
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Post: #109
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(01-27-2020 04:33 AM)Rob Banks Wrote:  In one of the Fr. Ripperger videos that Augustus posted, he talks about how God can withdraw divine grace from someone if they sin too much. From what I understood (someone please correct me if I'm wrong), this means that if you sin too much for too long, there comes a point where God will no longer forgive you and you are condemned to hell even if you repent and reform yourself.

This is a belated reply, and it's made on the assumption that you are working through the Catholic Church.

Whether before Vatican II or not, so long as you avail yourself willingly and honestly of the Sacrament of Confession (or reconciliation as the post Vatican II church calls it), then God's forgiveness is never withdrawn, and therefore hope is never lost, unless you die with a mortal sin unconfessed and absolved.

That's precisely the point and blessing of Confession/Penance: it conveys God's forgiveness for all sins, be they mortal or venial, and restores the sanctifying grace that resides permanently in the heart of a Catholic/Christian, absent a mortal sin.

(This gift is not to be profaned: it is a dreadful wrong to commit a sin with the knowing intent of immediately going to confession afterward to relieve the burden of that sin. And I'd avoid blaspheming against the Holy Spirit, since that's the one sin that Christ himself says will not be forgiven in this life or the next.)

The Council of Trent and (Saint) Augustine are the authorities on this one.

Quote:Damn, so my wife just emailed me today and sent me a screenshot of her phone, and in her photos I noticed a picture of a young man I didn't recognize. He was sitting on a tropical beach smoking a cigar. He looked extremely fruity (fedora, thick-rimmed glasses, button-down shirt) and didn't seem like her type at all, but there was no way to be sure.

After agonizing about it for an hour, I decided to ask her about it. I said something to the effect of "I respect your right to live your life but I couldn't help but notice a picture of this strange man in the screenshot you sent me. If there is anything going on, please let me know so that we can get a divorce."

Her response was something to the effect of "That man is a family member of mine. My grandpa just died. Go to hell! My conscience is clear. I don't have to sit here and deal with your sick jealousy. After all, YOU are the one who used to do drugs and sleep with dirty hookers, not me."

So now at least I know she's not interested in dating other men (at least for now). Her "conscience is clear" because she's not dating anyone. That implies that her conscience would not be clear (i.e. it would be wrong) if she was dating someone.

But in order to find that out I had to piss her off and drive her further away from me. I suppose this is what people meant when they said that I can't worry about her cheating on me and I have to trust God to keep her faithful.

Was it totally stupid for me to ask her this? I feel like it was definitely stupid and I should have trusted her more. But at the same time, if I didn't ask, I would have been constantly agonizing about whether or not the man in the picture was her boyfriend.

Yes, it was stupid to ask her this.

Not because it turned out to be wrong, but because it indicates you are obsessing over someone who may not have had you in mind at all when she took a photo of a guy on a beach. This is not healthy.

If you're going to get to a point where you get over her, or you get yourself balanced in your heart and mind, then one of the biggest steps in that will have to be that you cannot transform what's happening in her life into something that relates to you, that she has a life entirely separate from yours and which does not depend on yours in any way, shape, or form. If God wants her back in your life, that's on his terms, his time, and indeed is a big if at all.

And in particular: you cannot, cannot assume that God wants the same things that you do at any given point in time. When you do, that's the beginning of narcissism. You have to consider or be open to the possibility that God in fact does not want you back in her life, or she in yours, at any stage from now until the seventh trumpet blows.

Remissas, discite, vivet.
God save us from people who mean well. -storm
(This post was last modified: 01-29-2020 03:13 AM by Paracelsus.)
01-29-2020 03:12 AM
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Post: #110
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
You really too much of a wreck to communicate with your wife properly at this point. You need to take a break from everything, and commit to not interrogating her or fishing for details about her life, even if she contacts you first. If you continue with this nonsense, you will just be confirming to her that she made the right decision in leaving you.

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01-29-2020 06:27 PM
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Post: #111
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(01-11-2020 04:28 PM)Rob Banks Wrote:  my wife was living in South America and I was in the US and we had an agreement that I could hook up with other girls if I wanted (she couldn't hook up with guys).

Just curious. How do you even get an agreement like that? Was it something you put forward or her?

Seems to me that if it's the man putting forward something like that, a woman will probably just say she agrees with it but if another attractive comes along and the circumstances are right, she'll just rationalize that it's okay for her to sleep with him.

By the way, if I had been in your situation I think I would have acted to her like it didn't matter if she had slept with someone else after all this mess and since living apart, but I just wanted us to "be able to speak and be honest about everything".

I think you would have had a better chance of finding out the truth then and because if she actually had been with another man, I think there's no chance she would admit that if she knows you'll rage, judge and become super upset about it.
(This post was last modified: 01-29-2020 11:17 PM by No More Mr. Soy Boy.)
01-29-2020 11:16 PM
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Post: #112
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(01-27-2020 03:17 AM)lavidaloca Wrote:  How your wife bounces back in terms of body post pregnancy isn't just age dependent but body dependent. I've been with my fiancee almost 9 years. She had our child at 25 and has 0 baby damage whatsoever.

The difference between 25 and 32 in terms of pregnancy and child bearing is vast. 25 is probably still on the upper end of a normal age for a woman to be having her first child.

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01-30-2020 08:30 AM
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Post: #113
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
↑ Exactly.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that situation if it arises in the future.

My wife is apparently not at all concerned with the issue of her age and ability to have children. She has even told me in the past that she wouldn't be upset if she ended up childless.

She is obviously in no rush to get back together with me.

If she were to divorce me and start looking to meet other men, as sad as that would be, at least it would make sense. But she isn't interested in meeting other men (given how she reacted when I asked if she was dating anyone).

Her attitude is that she is hurt and she resents me and she doesn't want to think about the future (but at the same time she apparently doesn't want to let me go completely). I can respect that and I am willing to wait for her, but I am afraid that she will wait too long only to find out at 32 or 33 that she can't have children anymore (or at least that it is very unlikely to happen) and then she will resent me for the rest of her life.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I know that pressuring her to make a decision will only drive her further away, but I also know she is capable of keeping this up for years and then blaming me in the end when it doesn't work out.
(This post was last modified: 01-30-2020 04:42 PM by Rob Banks.)
01-30-2020 04:10 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #114
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I just saw this in another thread and I thought it would be relevant:

(12-26-2019 09:42 PM)HermeticAlly Wrote:  The pursuit of happiness inevitably results in disappointment because happiness is fleeting. Pursuing a purpose is a more substantial goal because you can be working toward something significant without feeling blissfully unhappy all the time.
...

Also, this:

(12-26-2019 10:26 PM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  ...
If your parents chose the happiness formula that didn't involve childbirth, changing shitty nappies and feeding a screaming blob of humanity every 3 hours, 24 hours a day for months and months then you wouldn't exist.

At some point you have to take it on faith that these things have rewards that cannot be measured in simple endorphin spikes.

When I would argue with my wife, she would always say things like:
"I am not happy being with you."
"I want to be happy."
"My father is encouraging me to leave you because he doesn't think I'm happy with you."

As I mentioned earlier, whenever I would try to talk to her about God or living for a higher purpose, she would look at me like I was from Mars.

I know that she subconsciously understands what it means to live for a higher purpose. That is why she has always been so close with her family, always behaved modestly, never drank heavily or did drugs, and always got angry with me when I pursued lust/drugs/pleasure instead of looking out for her.

If she continues to convince herself that she wouldn't mind ending up childless and that she just wants to "be happy," she's going to end up very unhappy and she will hate me for it.

However, I feel like I can't say any of this to her because, in her eyes, I've lost all credibility. She is not going to take me seriously when I talk about living for a higher purpose given that I've spent my entire youth being irresponsible and indulging my lust and drug addiction.
(This post was last modified: 01-30-2020 06:01 PM by Rob Banks.)
01-30-2020 05:55 PM
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Post: #115
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I don't want to bring you down, but you are REALLY being dense:

(01-30-2020 05:55 PM)Rob Banks Wrote:  
(12-26-2019 10:26 PM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  ...
If your parents chose the happiness formula that didn't involve childbirth, changing shitty nappies and feeding a screaming blob of humanity every 3 hours, 24 hours a day for months and months then you wouldn't exist.

At some point you have to take it on faith that these things have rewards that cannot be measured in simple endorphin spikes.

When I would argue with my wife, she would always say things like:
"I am not happy being with you."
"I want to be happy."
"My father is encouraging me to leave you because he doesn't think I'm happy with you."

As I mentioned earlier, whenever I would try to talk to her about God or living for a higher purpose, she would look at me like I was from Mars.

I know that she subconsciously understands what it means to live for a higher purpose. That is why she has always been so close with her family, always behaved modestly, never drank heavily or did drugs, and always got angry with me when I pursued lust/drugs/pleasure instead of looking out for her.

If she continues to convince herself that she wouldn't mind ending up childless and that she just wants to "be happy," she's going to end up very unhappy and she will hate me for it.

However, I feel like I can't say any of this to her because, in her eyes, I've lost all credibility. She is not going to take me seriously when I talk about living for a higher purpose given that I've spent my entire youth being irresponsible and indulging my lust and drug addiction.

She wasn't happy because you were being irresponsible and indulging your lust and drug addiction, NOT because she wasn't having kids. Most self-respecting women wouldn't just be unhappy, they would've left on the fucking spot.

You have to forgive your own past if you ever want to have a chance at anyone else forgiving you. The best way to forgive yourself is to pursue the change you desire little by little until your past is nothing but the past.

She looked at you insanely because you were a drug addict and fucking hookers while claiming to be married and questioning her happiness and further asking why she didn't believe in a higher purpose. Most people would look at you as if you're insane.

Believe in your purpose fine, but don't be so dense as to expect others to treat you as if a switch can be flipped and you're instantly a different person with completely different behaviour long term.

Drug addicts rationalize their behaviour in all kinds of ways, you won't break this habit easily, but it's necessary to see the world and interact with others clearly.

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(This post was last modified: 01-30-2020 09:02 PM by AneroidOcean.)
01-30-2020 09:01 PM
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Post: #116
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(01-30-2020 04:10 PM)Rob Banks Wrote:  ↑ Exactly.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that situation if it arises in the future.

My wife is apparently not at all concerned with the issue of her age and ability to have children. She has even told me in the past that she wouldn't be upset if she ended up childless.

She is obviously in no rush to get back together with me.

If she were to divorce me and start looking to meet other men, as sad as that would be, at least it would make sense. But she isn't interested in meeting other men (given how she reacted when I asked if she was dating anyone).

Her attitude is that she is hurt and she resents me and she doesn't want to think about the future (but at the same time she apparently doesn't want to let me go completely). I can respect that and I am willing to wait for her, but I am afraid that she will wait too long only to find out at 32 or 33 that she can't have children anymore (or at least that it is very unlikely to happen) and then she will resent me for the rest of her life.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I know that pressuring her to make a decision will only drive her further away, but I also know she is capable of keeping this up for years and then blaming me in the end when it doesn't work out.

I wouldn't worry about that. For some reason God or nature designed women to still be capable of getting pregnant in their late 30s and their 40s when it's dangerous for both them and the child, but if you can manage to get back with her and have a child with her by 32 or 33, that's still a safe age. I usually hear that 35 is the cutoff after which childbearing is actually dangerous and unhealthy.

The only problem is that getting pregnant and giving birth for the first time in her early 30s will damage her figure. Loose, wrinkled skin around her midsection, tits less perky, that kind of thing. She's Latina so she'll probably be discreet enough to cover up those parts when you're having sex or she's changing her clothes in front of you, rather than forcing you to gaze upon her damaged body in good light and pretend it's just as attractive as it used to be, as I imagine an American feminist might.

The days of having a young, toned naked woman walking around your house will be over forever and you'll miss them, but your love for your child and the mother of you child will compensate. At least that's how it's worked out for me.

This is all if she gets back with you, which as I've said above doesn't seem likely to me.

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(This post was last modified: 02-01-2020 09:39 AM by bucky.)
02-01-2020 09:38 AM
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Post: #117
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
So I apologize if what I'm going to say is redundant. I know people here have already given me good advice which I appreciate. It's just that I was talking to friends and family about my situation and they came to some interesting conclusions.

Close friends and family of mine are advising me to make some big decisions, but I wanted to post about it here before I do anything drastic.

My best friend tells me that I'm getting nowhere by writing to my wife via email. He says I am eventually going to have to either confront her in writing (i.e. demand for her to clarify her feelings and put an end to this situation, even if that means divorce) or just go see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

Alternatively, my friend suggests that I write her letters by hand and try to be poetic and meaningful in my writing. However, he admits this is likely not to work and that I might have to resort to confrontation or divorce.

My family tells me I should move on and consider divorce.

Of course, I don't want to meet someone else and move on. The day I decide to get divorced (God forbid) will be the darkest, saddest day of my life. All I want is to do right by her and to redeem myself for my past mistakes.

However, her state of mind (which I blame myself for) and her overall personality are making it very difficult, if not impossible, to get close to her or even have a conversation with her.

Leonard mentioned that I should honor my marriage vows, but how am I supposed to honor my vows if she refuses to even speak to me?

I would like to think I am just being impatient and that I need to give her time, work on myself, and trust God. I have a tendency to be impatient and assume the worst.

But then again it's been 6 months since we even spoke. I'm afraid my friends and family are right and I am deluding myself into believing what I want to believe.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I mention her "state of mind and personality," this is what I mean:

Today marks exactly 1 year since she left and exactly 6 months since the last time we saw each other. For the last 6 months, the only contact we've had is via email and it has mostly been just arranging for me to drop off her mail and stuff like that.

After she left last February, she refused to see me or speak to me for months. In June, I found out she had a doctor's appointment and I showed up unannounced and surprised her there, and after that she started hanging out with me again. Based on her personality and the way she is, I truly believe if I hadn't shown up to that appointment she would have never agreed to see me voluntarily. But once she saw my face, everything changed and she was friendly.

Then, in August, I acted up in a bad way. She said something that upset me and I followed her down the street, angry and panicking, and refused to let her go home. Eventually, she threatened to call police so I backed off. After this, she stopped talking to me and I haven't seen her since.

For a while in October and November, she was being somewhat friendly to me via email (longer responses, some small talk, etc.). Then one day she told me she was coming to my house to drop off some papers, but she never showed up. When I asked what happened, she said "I was going to come to your house but it brought back bad memories and I felt traumatized." That was 3 months ago, and since then she has been extremely cold to me and hasn't been friendly at all.

I am explaining all this just to point out what her personality is like and what state of mind she is in.

I truly believe if I were to ring her doorbell, she would talk to me and agree to see me again (just like she did back in June). But that is not an option because she made sure I wouldn't know where she lives and she made it clear to her doctor that I'm not welcome at her appointments.

My only option is to communicate via writing, but for the past 3 months I've gotten nothing but short, cold responses. It feels like the more time that goes by, the more she slips away.

P.S. In the meantime, I've been taking people's advice by going to church, AA, and trying to build up my life with work and school. I realize these are the most important things. It's just that I spoke extensively with my friends and family today and I wanted to post on here before deciding if their advice is valid or making any big decisions.
(This post was last modified: 02-02-2020 06:13 PM by Rob Banks.)
02-02-2020 05:58 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #118
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
So I've been writing to her and she has been responding less and less.

Usually when I write to her I try to make sure I have something to say besides just asking how she is doing or talking about myself. For example, I write to her when I get mail of hers delivered to me, or when I have information regarding her visa/immigration status. For some reason, she is more comfortable engaging with me if there is something "important" to talk about.

But today I wrote to her asking her something important which I really need her to answer (regarding her immigration status) and she is refusing to respond.

I feel like my only option at this point is to confront her and tell her I've had enough of this and that we should just get divorced if she's not gonna talk to me. I am thinking of maybe doing that later tonight if she doesn't respond, but I thought I would post about it here first.
02-08-2020 06:30 PM
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kel Offline
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Post: #119
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I haven't been following very closely, so I can't respond to your last bit, but outside of that going a little bit incommunicado isn't a bad idea. Give her time to miss you.
02-08-2020 06:35 PM
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PapayaTapper Away
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Post: #120
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
She didnt respond immediately so youre going to def-con 2? Youre like a psycho girlfriend except male

_______________________________________
- Does She Have The "Happy Gene" ?
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02-08-2020 07:06 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #121
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
↑ No, I haven't said anything to her. I didn't mean I was going to confront her right now. Obviously, she might still respond in the next few hours.

Anyway, she ended up responding and saying "I don't want to talk to you." That was it.

I got a PM from another forum member giving me advice and saying I should confront her. That makes sense. Clearly, I am not getting anywhere by just waiting and trying to be write to her and be friendly.

I was thinking I would say something to the effect of:

"Look, when I married you, I made vows. In the past, I did not take those vows seriously but now I am determined to take them seriously.

I am saying this to convince you that I have changed. That would be ridiculous.

I am saying this because I am trying to be a better person for my own sake, and that means honoring my vows. Although I love you and I don't want to get a divorce, if in your heart you are finished with me, please do me a favor and divorce me so that I can move on with my life and not worry about honoring vows."
02-08-2020 08:01 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #122
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
↑ I ended up saying that (what I described above) and she did not respond. I guess that's the best I could hope for (any response would have been negative).

I realize that this is my fault and I deserve this, but I don't know what I should do from now on.

I would like to think she isn't giving me a straight answer because she herself is unsure what she wants, but it is also possible that she isn't giving me a straight answer because she hates me, wants nothing to do with me, and the thought of talking to me (even about divorce) is unbearable to her.

When I tell her "I would like a straight answer so that I can move on with my life," she thinks to herself "That's not my problem."

I feel like I'm past the point where "taking it easy" and giving her time will do any good. I feel like my options are either to divorce her, confront her repeatedly via email until I get a straight answer, or just forget about her.

I could also try writing to her every couple of weeks without expecting any response, but I feel like this is wishful thinking on my part and I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

EDIT: I suppose it's obvious at this point that it's over. She straight up told me "I don't want to talk to you." That's probably as straight an answer as I'm going to get. I can fool myself by believing it's not over until she divorces me (or whatever), but that doesn't change the facts.

It's just hard for me (as in basically impossible) to accept for the reasons I discussed earlier in this thread.
(This post was last modified: 02-08-2020 10:00 PM by Rob Banks.)
02-08-2020 09:31 PM
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bucky Offline
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Post: #123
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
(02-08-2020 07:06 PM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  She didnt respond immediately so youre going to def-con 2? Youre like a psycho girlfriend except male

I agree, and I say that as someone who has behaved like the male version of a psycho girlfriend in the past.

Feminism in ten words: "Stop objectifying women! Can't you see I've hit the wall?" -Leonard D Neubache
02-09-2020 02:41 PM
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Rob Banks Offline
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Post: #124
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
I've recently been told that I shouldn't be in a hurry and try to rush things when it comes to getting my wife back. I shouldn't force things, and instead I should take advantage of my time apart from her and use it to focus on myself.

That makes sense and I'm not in any rush, but I've also had other people tell me the opposite. I recently had the following conversation with a friend:

- "Rob, if your wife doesn't agree to see you soon, you need to confront her and demand a straight answer."
- "But why? Haven't you been telling me to be patient and not rush things?"
- "Yes, but that was before. Now, after so much time has gone by, you don't have a choice but to confront her."
- "OK but that won't work. She's not gonna agree to see me if I get confrontational and demanding."
- "I know but you still have to do it because it's all you got. You've been apart for so long. You can't afford to just continue waiting passively."

I told this same friend that I was glad my wife had been responding to my texts (even though the responses have only been 2-3 words), but he says that it's actually a bad thing and a sign of her being over me and having moved on. He told me I'm naive if I think she isn't lonely and therefore entertaining the idea of dating other men.

There is a quote by a famous author from my wife's country who said something to the effect of:

"The difference between male friendships and romantic relationships is that, with a male friend, you can go years without seeing each other and still be friends afterwards. With a romantic partner, if you don't have contact for a long time, the relationship dies."

I want to just not worry about all this and just focus on going to school, church, saving money, etc. I have no problem waiting months or even years for her. But I can't help but wonder if I'm racing against the clock, and if it is unrealistic to think I can still be with her in the future after so much time has gone by.
(This post was last modified: 02-16-2020 01:52 AM by Rob Banks.)
02-16-2020 01:46 AM
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Barron Offline
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Post: #125
RE: My wife left me and it's my fault
CRP advice is relevant here:



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02-16-2020 04:22 AM
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