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Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
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raveking Offline
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Post: #1
Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Looking for some veteran help and advice, what do you if your girlfriends parents (specifically the mom) don't like you for whatever reason? I understand it's important to maintain frame where you should wondering if she's good enough for you and your family and not the other way around. However, for whatever reason I feel bothered? Probably because it's important for me to have the blessing and support of the girl's family. Even you don't believe it makes a difference or doesn't matter, it certainly doesn't hurt. Her mom seemed to have a problem with almost all of her exes and has a specific "criteria" (must have a lot of money, most have his own place even she won't let her move in with him, etc.)

I haven't really seen this topic brought up before so I would like to hear some thoughts and opinions?
11-03-2019 12:24 AM
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TooFineAPoint Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Either she'll come around, or she's a total toxic lost cause who will poison everything around her daughter. Time will tell. Either way, you keep being a good man for her daughter and then if it turns out to be the second option you'll need to have a heart to heart with your girlfriend about how she is going to handle it.

It's normal that you feel bothered by it. What would not be cool is if you let it get to you and affect how you act.
11-03-2019 01:26 AM
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Post: #3
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Don't put yourself in a position where you feel like you have to prove yourself to them, and end up letting yourself get taken advantage of financially and emotionally. It sounds like the mom is an entitled gold digger, and is setting the daughter up to be one too. It's also not a good sign that your girl has a lot of exes.

Imagine spending a lot of your time and energy trying to please these people, and then constantly wondering if you're making the right moves while ruining your own happiness. I would have the mentality that the mom can kiss your ass, without saying it of course. Be polite and avoid drama, but stick to who you are. Your girl may respect you and act better, or she can find another guy to be their sucker.
11-03-2019 01:31 AM
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SilentOne Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Continue to be respectful to her mom.

The most important thing is how does your girl react in this situation.

Does she back you up? Does she follow your lead over her mom?

After several months go by and things don't seem to improve, I would just distance myself from her mom and her gatherings. Some people just don't get along. Your girl needs to follow you do though. No exceptions.
11-03-2019 02:52 AM
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Bienvenuto Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Its usually a good sign if the parents don't like you at first. It can mean that you're a threat to them for all manner of reasons.

My experience is that the ones the parents actually do like a whole lot don't last very long as they don't really do it for the daughter..
And vice versa.

Be respectful to her.
Take it as the backhanded compliment that it is.
Either way, whether it works out with this chick or not, the important thing is what you want for yourself, not what she wants of you for her daughter.
11-03-2019 05:54 AM
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MajorStyles Offline
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RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
One thing that is rarely spoken of in the greater media is the complexity of mother-in-laws. Instead, we get anally pounded with "Fun Fearless Females," Captain Marvel's feminism, #MeToo, etc.

And then, there are so many hard-core realities with mother-in-laws: i.e. their silent (or not-so-silent) wars with their daughter-in-laws, their theatrics for attention, their disapproval of otherwise insignificant items, etc. Often times, if the mother-in-law is still married, we find a husband that has emotionally "checked out" and does not care to interfere with the soap opera.

In short, the same complexities that apply to girlfriends/wives in general can be extended to mothers.

This is one reason that, in the United States, you often find a married couple that lives far away from the mother: i.e. in a different state. The reason is supposed to be a job offer, better school system, etc. In reality, the children are trying to place distance between themselves and an overly meddlesome mother.

I would add that this topic is old. One of my favorite examples of this is the plant known as Mother-in-law's tongue:

[Image: ?u=https%3A%2F%2F2ecffd01e1ab3e9383f0-07...amp;nofb=1]

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11-03-2019 07:51 AM
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Post: #7
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
(11-03-2019 12:24 AM)raveking Wrote:  Her mom seemed to have a problem with almost all of her exes and has a specific "criteria" (must have a lot of money, most have his own place even she won't let her move in with him, etc.)

How many of the girl's exes are you discussing with her mother?

Maybe the mom thinks youre just another in a long line of her daughter's bad decisions thats just taking his turn

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11-03-2019 02:12 PM
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Simeon_Strangelight Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Those things often change - especially when you are married and have grandkids. Sometimes parents have lousy views over men - don't know jack shit. Some parents are spot-on in their assessment. Treat them politely and be patient.
11-04-2019 08:03 AM
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RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Be respectful but try to suss out if she’s being ornery or if she’s just a straight-up cunt. Whatever girl you stick with either in marriage or whatever, you’re pretty much stuck with her parents too. Even if the girl is great, toxic in-laws are a deal breaker.
11-04-2019 01:44 PM
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Greyman Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
(11-04-2019 01:44 PM)BlastbeatCasanova Wrote:  Be respectful but try to suss out if she’s being ornery or if she’s just a straight-up cunt. Whatever girl you stick with either in marriage or whatever, you’re pretty much stuck with her parents too. Even if the girl is great, toxic in-laws are a deal breaker.

I'd like to hear more on this. Men who do have a great woman, and who's parents are together but the mother is...toxic.
11-07-2019 01:03 PM
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Polniy_Sostav Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Talk to the grandpa alone without the grandma , and mention that you have the impression that she doesn't like you.
Ask if it s because you are paranoid or it s because maybe your personalities are incompatible ?
Be respectful and polite and if the grandpa tells you that it is because of X and X , be inquiring and try to understand the issues.
11-07-2019 01:08 PM
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raveking Offline
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Post: #12
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Going to bump this thread, there's been some new developments since I have posted and I'm going to need some more advise from the elder statesmen of the board.

Her grandpa went into palliative care in January (he's 95) which has thrown out all of our plans out the window in terms of dating and sex. Naturally because of this situation she has to focus more on her family which is understandable and something I have to support her on. However, her parents have been trying harder now to tear us apart. Her dad has threatened me to her that if I ever ring the doorbell again, he will call the police on me. He also said that if we were to get married he would disown her as her daughter. This has not prevented us from meeting up at her place however. The last week she made an excuse to stay at home and so I came over for two days (didn't sleep over), but we hooked up on the living room couch.

I also suspect that most of the drastic measures and actions taken from her dad are mostly influenced by her mom. I feel that she has been the whisperer to him and trying to antagonize me to no end saying how I have a bad temper, not enough money to take care of her, or have a future together etc. The irony is that even if I had my own place, her parents wouldn't let her move in with me anyways. I don't want to end up going on this neverending pursuit to please future-in-laws just to realize no matter what I do they won't be happy (such is the case usually with Asian parents). I feel like this badmouthing of me has led her dad to not give me a chance to talk things over and to get my side of the story and show him I'm not a bad man for their daughter. I say this because earlier in Christmas, he was kind enough to give me a pastry he was baking and to have that now become a complete 180 where he is threatening to call the police on me seems so abrupt and inexplicable.

I plan on asking to speak with her dad man to man because his English is better than her mom's and so I feel like I would be able to get my message across better. I feel like talking to her mom at this point is a lost cause, because my Chinese isn't that good and neither is her English so I'd also feeling I'd be wasting my time in that regard. Of course this will all be done after her situation with her grandpa is resolved which is God knows when...and in turn is making the times we see each other infrequent.

The most sobering advice that I have received from a friend was that this situation is difficult and I should only continue to purse if I feel this girl is worth it. Also that if I do end up trying to please her parents, I am just bending over to their will and should question whether or not that would be good for my long-term happiness. I do want to resolve things positively without feeling like I am taking her away from her family. Please advise, as I do want to be with this person in the long run...but I also feel like it will take lots of time, potentially years for them (especially her mom) to come around.
01-29-2020 10:44 PM
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No More Mr. Soy Boy Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
God, I feel sorry for you. He sounds like a dick.

I'd just say this, if I were in your situation I'd do tons of work on my Chinese. Tons.
Sure, it's very difficult but perhaps it could humanize you a lot in their eyes and make an impression on them if you could communicate with them in their language. A bit like that Nelson Mandela quote "If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.”

And good thing with that is that even if it doesn't work out with her, you have mastered a new and very useful language that can create all kinds of opportunities later in your life so the energy and time invested into her and her family won't all be for nothing.
(This post was last modified: 01-29-2020 11:32 PM by No More Mr. Soy Boy.)
01-29-2020 11:31 PM
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Leonard D Neubache Offline
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Post: #14
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Honest question.

Do the parents have a good reason to be concerned about you courting their daughter?

Are they actually right to be displeased with your presence in her life? I'm not being judgmental. I got this treatment from a few parents back in the day, and with humility (plus being a parent now) I can look back and think "yeah, I was an obvious fuckup resting on my looks and charisma with no drive or life purpose, so it's little wonder they hated me despite their daughter being googoo for me".

I just ask because:

Quote:The last week she made an excuse to stay at home and so I came over for two days (didn't sleep over), but we hooked up on the living room couch.

You're in Canada. Are you 16 or really young or from a really poor family or something? I just think that it's odd that you're having to "hook up" on her parent's couch and then you wonder why they hate you. If I had a daughter and she was with a guy who didn't even have his own place, and who came to MY house and banged MY daughter on MY couch...

Are you starting to see why they don't like you?

Unfortunately first impressions are hard to fix, especially if you've been reinforcing them with bad impression #2 through #99. You need to get a job and you need to get a place of your own. At very least you need to be on track with study or something that will lead to a better life for their daughter. Right now I guarantee they're terrified, utterly TERRIFIED that their daughter is going to end up pregnant to a deadbeat.

You understand? If she was your daughter you'd feel the same way.

You need to become the shining example of the father they would wish for their grandchildren because I'm not getting the sense that this is them being unreasonable more than this is you thinking they're wrong for holding you to some kind of basic standard as a man.

You're fucking their daughter on their couch for pity's sake.

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(This post was last modified: 01-30-2020 12:04 AM by Leonard D Neubache.)
01-29-2020 11:57 PM
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Post: #15
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
OP:

(1) Are you the same ethnicity as your girlfriend? This is not race trolling, it's merely supposing that if she's coming from a traditional Chinese background and you're Caucasian then somewhere in the back of at least Mom's head there are good odds you are (and may always be) the gwai lo who's come to steal her daughter and give her ugly, bastardised grandchildren.

(2) Is it possible the 180 is because grandpa is on his last legs and Mom/Dad are acutely aware and guilty they're not upholding the family tradition by letting their daughter date a non-Chinese?

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01-29-2020 11:58 PM
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Polniy_Sostav Offline
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Post: #16
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Op . it s better you leave this family. You did some efforts but they don't like you.
01-30-2020 05:12 AM
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Post: #17
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
There's no coming back from this unless you win the lotto or land a 6 figure job.

In any case, you should break up with this girl and start working on yourself. Start saving up cash to pay off your debts, raise your net-worth and be the man that parents would be happy to receive. While the mom having a strict criteria of the Man having his own place and high value might seem "harsh", she has a point. She only wants her daughter to date men who will be a provider. A man who doesn't have these traits is most likely only going after sex, and in this case, the mom is not wrong.

Say your goodbyes to her, enjoy the times you had and start self-improving. Build your wealth so that you can find a future wife and you wont run into this problem in the future

EDIT: As Leonard pointed out earlier, we were all sucked in to believe that charisma and good looks were all you needed to land a girl. Sure, that might have worked to land you a steady(not so these days) stream of casual sex...but will it help you land a future wife? To a certain degree, but not as much as building your net-worth would.

As we transition from "Game" and "red-pill" to "God-pill" men, we should educate other's on how to stay debt free, getting out of debt, increasing our income and saving money. This will fix so many areas in your life that it should be one of our top priorities. If OP had a good job, his own place, and exhibit other qualities of a high-value man, he wouldn't be in this predicament. Since OP is still chasing after casual sex, then his situation will not change. I can guarantee you will run into this problem again if you happen to talk up another high-value or beautiful, traditional girl who was raised by her Mother and Father.

While Chinese and other minority immigrants tend to be more real on this aspect than Ethnic-Europeans, take this as a learning experience. As much as this might hurt your feelings and ego, thank them for making you open your eyes and for giving you the drive to better yourself.
(This post was last modified: 01-30-2020 01:38 PM by Augustus_Principe.)
01-30-2020 01:25 PM
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Post: #18
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
It's very simple.
Pull back and have no interaction with her family whatsoever.
Insist she always come to you.
Never explain why.
Poof! ...no more problem.
01-30-2020 02:20 PM
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Handsome Creepy Eel Offline
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Post: #19
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Any serious, traditional parent would be outraged by their daughter dating someone who doesn't seem 100% obviously like they have a good character and themselves well put together in general, so even if you didn't give them any obvious reason for suspicion, you still shouldn't be surprised by that attitude.

How did your first meeting look like anyway, and what was the context?

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02-01-2020 10:39 AM
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Australia Sucks Offline
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RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
Sorry but I have to disagree with Leonard here. The parents of the girl have no right to be be demanding of the man (the O.P.) given that their daughter has been around the block a few times. They are crappy parents and cannot raise their daughter to be a chaste virgin and therefore they have no right to be making demands of the man she chooses to date.
(This post was last modified: 02-02-2020 12:34 PM by Australia Sucks.)
02-02-2020 12:33 PM
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Post: #21
RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
The dream of most of the couples who have daughters is to have a son-in-law to pay for things for them or, at least, to take their daughters out of the house.

There is a phrase said by a Brazilian realist that is: 'If the woman you are seeing wants to introduce you to her parents, it is a yellow sign; if her parents like you, it's a red light. '

Take the fact that her parents don't like you as a good sign.
02-12-2020 09:56 PM
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Hombre de hielo Offline
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RE: Girlfriend's Parents Dont like me
I hadn't read that message of yours before my previous reply...

(01-29-2020 10:44 PM)raveking Wrote:  Going to bump this thread, there's been some new developments since I have posted and I'm going to need some more advise from the elder statesmen of the board.

Her grandpa went into palliative care in January (he's 95) which has thrown out all of our plans out the window in terms of dating and sex. Naturally because of this situation she has to focus more on her family which is understandable and something I have to support her on. However, her parents have been trying harder now to tear us apart. Her dad has threatened me to her that if I ever ring the doorbell again, he will call the police on me. He also said that if we were to get married he would disown her as her daughter. This has not prevented us from meeting up at her place however. The last week she made an excuse to stay at home and so I came over for two days (didn't sleep over), but we hooked up on the living room couch.

I also suspect that most of the drastic measures and actions taken from her dad are mostly influenced by her mom. I feel that she has been the whisperer to him and trying to antagonize me to no end saying how I have a bad temper, not enough money to take care of her, or have a future together etc. The irony is that even if I had my own place, her parents wouldn't let her move in with me anyways. I don't want to end up going on this neverending pursuit to please future-in-laws just to realize no matter what I do they won't be happy (such is the case usually with Asian parents). I feel like this badmouthing of me has led her dad to not give me a chance to talk things over and to get my side of the story and show him I'm not a bad man for their daughter. I say this because earlier in Christmas, he was kind enough to give me a pastry he was baking and to have that now become a complete 180 where he is threatening to call the police on me seems so abrupt and inexplicable.

I plan on asking to speak with her dad man to man because his English is better than her mom's and so I feel like I would be able to get my message across better. I feel like talking to her mom at this point is a lost cause, because my Chinese isn't that good and neither is her English so I'd also feeling I'd be wasting my time in that regard. Of course this will all be done after her situation with her grandpa is resolved which is God knows when...and in turn is making the times we see each other infrequent.

The most sobering advice that I have received from a friend was that this situation is difficult and I should only continue to purse if I feel this girl is worth it. Also that if I do end up trying to please her parents, I am just bending over to their will and should question whether or not that would be good for my long-term happiness. I do want to resolve things positively without feeling like I am taking her away from her family. Please advise, as I do want to be with this person in the long run...but I also feel like it will take lots of time, potentially years for them (especially her mom) to come around.

It is very likely that the parents are counting on her to escape the asylum. I know several couples here in Brazil, cooking at least 1 of the descendants.
02-12-2020 10:30 PM
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